… was my ongoing theme throughout the first three months of 2014 – it is still valid. It made me consider something recently. I’m challenged when it comes to goodbyes – any kind of goodbyes. Losing a parent, leaving wherever has been my home, break-ups, ending a friendship, you name it. It’s usually a cause of a lump in my stomach and tears. Tears are not a bad thing, and can flow from sadness, as well as love and happiness. But why is it so difficult for me to say goodbye and close the door behind me? Recently it hit me; I feel like I’m missing out. Beside the fact that I will miss people, I feel like I’m missing out.
How foolish really. It totally takes focus away from the present moment or even the moments about to come. Example: a relationship (of any kind) ends (for whatever reason), and I feel the loss, the sadness and wonder if anything could have been handled differently. All normal I guess. But I do have a tendency to get caught in it. Like a fly in a web – the more I struggle to get out, the more I’m trapped. The more I’m convinced that I’ve lost someone. I’m not thinking that something ended for a reason, or something new will blossom. I get so trapped in the sensation of loss and despair that it is difficult for me to let go. And because I get so caught up, I lose sight of all the wonderful things that are happening right now.
I might not be dancing a lot here in Mackay – (I’m missing out on my two to four evenings of dance a week in Cph), but dancing opened up so many doors. Because of salsa I’ve been to festivals, congresses and camps, met some wonderful people and had the best of times. And because of salsa I’ve made friends here in Mackay.
So back to the goodbyes…
One of my relationships has just come to an end. It’s been a loooong process, and I’ve been bouncing back and forth for a month between being clear about it and incapable of letting go. It has taken so much energy, that I have been completely oblivious to the new friendships blossoming here in Mackay. It is one thing to have a hard time letting go, but if it creates ignorance and takes away the ability to see and enjoy all the new and good things happening, then it becomes an issue.
I do believe that there is a reason for everything. One door does not close, without a new in one opening. But if the door is not closed properly, the other one can’t fully open – and then all there are, are peep holes to the past and present. And I’m stuck in a limbo.
So a few nights ago (missing out on a night of dancing, due to an inflamed and stiff neck) a thought occurred to me. What if it’s actually a wonderful thing to close a door, saying goodbye and move on? In the following days I had dinner plans, coffee plans and got invited to go to a yoga class. Interesting that it should happen, as the idea of letting go, began to transform into something beautiful, eh?
I’m not saying that any of my new friendships can replace, what I just let go – and honestly, I don’t want them to. In the end – if we didn’t work out as friends – why would I want that to be replaced? Furthermore is it really fair, or even possible, to replace a person? I mean, I can replace a plate if it breaks, but a person? Not really. Every being, and the connection we create together, is unique, and if I try to replace it, it will only work as a pacifier. I will end up having all sorts of expectations for the new person in my life (unfair!), as opposed to just starting a new thing from scratch and exploring this new connection for what it is. Instead of what once existed with another person.
Interesting really… transformation is maybe the biggest part of my purpose, my dharma code. It’s what my life has been evolving around for many years. Once the transformation of goodbyes has become an effortless and organic act, and instead becomes a beautiful beginning, rather than a loss – I will have transformed more than 30 years of long-winded and energy consuming processes. I’m stoked to see what that brings. It already feels lighter and more cheerful.
On another note – but a bit down the same alley, check out my super-yogi Mona’s blog on the big L. She’s as beautiful on the inside, as she is on the outside, and very insightful. Reading this one was like reading what’s been going on in my mind for so long. Finally it was articulated, and it made me feel so seen and understood. On top of that, it made me realize, why people want to read my blog on oestrogen.dk. It’s the feeling of reading something and feeling completely understood and not alone in the storm of emotions and unconscious habits, that we sometimes find ourselves in, a confirmation that we are not going crazy, and that other people have their struggles as well. It is the illusion of separation, that tricks us into believing that we are alone – which might be the biggest illusion of our time.
Edited by wonderful Lisa Cosmillo, typos by me. :o)