Broken heart – broken mind

(High risk of grammar flaws and typo’s)

Please text me back. Say something, anything.

Don’t text me. I’m weak. I miss you. I’ll get all soft, and forgive you.

Please, give me something. Let me get closure. Help me get over you.

WHY are you not fighting for me – for us? Where we really that little to you?

You cold, insensitive, immature, disrespectful bastard. How could you do this to me, again?

I’m so tired of crying. Tired of thinking that maybe I am to naïve, love to much or just delusional.

I miss you… so bad. I wonder if you are well now, if the hospital managed to treat you properly.


You violated my trust, my love, and my care. You drained me completely – incapable of giving back. You just asked for more. When you realized my bucket was empty, that I had nothing left to give but my self-respect, values and individuality, which I managed to hold on to, you disappeared.

How can you shift from “marry me” to this in a matter of days? Where you ever real? I know you were – but things are not making sense. And I have to settle with that. No closure, no logic, no nothing. It’s a mystery to me, how you can love someone – but not have respect for them. In my world, these two things go hand in hand.


Clearly we shouldn’t be together. It’s probably better this way.

I SO wish you’d have it in you, to swallow your pride and fight for us. Make things right again.

YOUR LOSS! I have been there 110% through it all, supporting you, understanding you, loving you. You lost it all.

Haven’t we been through too much, to give up now? Why are you giving up? When did you stop caring? And WHY did you stop caring?


I need to focus. Focus on the fact that I actually haven’t done anything wrong. That I was holding on to my values and beliefs. That I didn’t compromise who I am, or what I believe to be respectful behaviour. That I gave you all I could, without losing the last bits and pieces of myself. I could live with the fact, that I was giving more than I received for a period of time. Because we just needed to get you through a few rough months – and then you would give as you received. But instead of doing that, you just disappeared. No gratitude, no respect, no love. Just… nothing. Because I couldn’t go along with everything you asked of me.


So what do I do now? I mean, if I don’t belong there with you – where do I belong? I’m confused on so many levels.

I wonder if I’ll ever hear anything from you again. Wonder if I’ll have the strength, not to fall back into your arms, because you will never change. You betrayed my trust 3 times already – that’s more than enough.

What did you ever give me anyway? Why did I ever fall in love with you? Why am I so f****** stubborn? Why can’t I just give up? Why did I have to give you a second, or third, chance?

But things make sense, when we are together. I have no doubt in my heart, that you love me – or at least have loved me. So why did we end up like this. Why did you have to do this – again?


All kinds of traumas and unhealthy habits pop up. Thoughts like, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, since it’s apparently impossible to love me, more than 1½ year at the time. Not eating. Over-eating. Trying to hide my heartbreak and frustration – and end up smothering the energy all over everywhere I go. Isolating myself and my sorrow.

But I’m learning. I’m getting so much better at catching the destructive and habitual thoughts. Changing perspective. Breathing. Holding on to, that I actually didn’t do anything wrong this time. I have gladly given all I had. That’s just how I work when I love.


But maybe I love too much. Maybe I love too hard. Maybe I’m just afraid of never finding mutual love.

Maybe I needed to love you, so I could face some unhealthy patterns. Maybe I needed to love you, so I could learn to stop, when I have nothing left to give, but my integrity. Stand up for myself, protecting myself. To love and give it all – but maintain my self-respect, values and be able to look myself in the eyes.

Oh my God how I miss you.

I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t miss you. You have treated me really bad.

But you’ve been so good for me as well. I know your heart – and it’s a good one. You are just incapable of coping and swallowing your pride.

But it’s not good enough. I deserve some more. At least to receive as I give.

How I wish you could be the one to love me, like I love you.


I have no idea, how you can just cut out a loved one, from your life so suddenly. I know that you are not that cold. I know you’ve been suffering too. But now it’s most likely more the fact, that you are too proud and incapable to explain yourself. Or maybe I’m just telling myself shit to get through. Creating excuses in my head to protect us both.

Why should I even try to explain you? Why would I protect you or defend your behaviour? Because I love you. After all this shit and dead-silence for 3 weeks – I still love you. I don’t want people to think badly of you – because you are not.

Please don’t contact me – I’d fall straight back into your arms- I’m not done with loving you.